Cerberus Reviews

God-fucking-damn-it. Just when you want a comic to be all above board and shallow, they get all deep on ya. Some times a cigar is just a cigar and other times it’s a big brown cock for others to suck at. Ask me every day and I’ll tell ya The Boys is jus that. But, all dick jokes aside, the Boys #15 ventures into character driven territory that is anything but virgin for Garth Ennis.
We’ve endured poised post-commie trips, caped offenses, hamsters where they shouldn’t be and females violent as they come (or cum if you count little Nina) but this latest issue is trying to build some depth into what is the shallow end of the pool so far. The Boys have been nothing but a head-bashing, ball-smashing, nut –busting good time up till this point. Now Garth Ennis has seen fit to add character depth to what once were somewhat two dimensional characters. Not that I have a problem with that. I love what has been done to this point. Ennis has done his best to poke, prod, and cajole all of the major comic publishers into lather. It’s his lets-see-if-we-can-piss-everyone-off-at-once-ness that has me coming back every month to read the new issues.
This week we pick up a new story line with the same characters several months older. While poking fun at everyone who has written a new story arc, and everyone who ever will, Ennis tries to bend this new story into something no one saw coming. A meeting of the lesser minds one might say, without giving anything away that is.
This review is short, I know, but so much goes into this issue its hard to review without giving anything away. The best I can do is to allude what happens without being too clever at it.
Now on a different note I gotta say the female is my all time favorite character. If this women existed in real life I’d have already married her by now or at least devoted my miserable drunken life to her world aspirations. The back sneak-peak cover confirms this and makes me giggle uncontrollably. For those of you who need a refresher read The Boys issues 1-3 over again.

Overall rating: Starscreem. Ennis is taking this comic places others are too afraid to think of.

Much like the rather infamous Spidey reboot, the X-men have taken a dramatic turn to shake things up. Cyke has proclaimed “there are no X-men,” and that may be true in one sense–if the X-men stands for “Xavier’s students” then perhaps they are really gone. Westchester is obliterated, even more so than usual. Professor X is dead, disappeared, gone or a skrull. And the original members have hit the road for some much needed time off before the inevitable return of an X-team, if not the X-men.

This issue has a real old school feel, a Kirby or Claremont vibe where the X-men were taking endless vacations in between bouts with Magneto and the Brotherhood. The X-men back then were real horndogs, chasing skirts every which way, and eventually these romantic pursuits would get put on the back burner due to some new unexpected menace. That’s where this issue differs. In the olden days you just couldn’t write an issue without some sort of baddie making an appearance and either kicking ass or getting his handed to him. Not so here. Something odd happens towards the end, but nobody more ominous than Tony Stark has a cameo.

About that, finally we get something regarding the Initiative and the X-men. Since they were kind of shut out of the Civil War, Marvel never really had to deal with the X-men being registered or not. Perhaps Professor X’s inclusion on the Illuminati allowed him to keep his students out of bounds. But since Xavier is out of play and the school’s out for Summer (sshoooooool’s out for-EVAH!) guess that’s why the Tin Man finally comes a’calling. His interaction with Scott is the highlight of the issue. It doesn’t last long but it is impeccably drawn by Choi. Iron Man (he’s armored up and looking more and more like Samus Aran (read = bad-fucking-ass) floats in above the rubble of the institute and looks every bit the immensely pwerful figure he is. There’s also a world weary look on his face, its subtle but Choi has it there nonetheless, and he keeps repeating himself, almost like he HAS to say what he’s saying rather than meaning what he’s saying. Scott is cocky and yes, a little bit whiny. He rebuffs Tony, at one point quipping “what, we have to get registered for being born now?” But Scott forgets a lot of others didn’t ask for what they have and they still registered. Their powers may not extend right down to their DNA, but they are there.

After this confrontation Cyke takes the good woman to the Savage Land for a holiday. Most of the issue takes place here, and I finally am coming to terms with Emma and Scott as a couple. I can see how it works now, or at least I am starting to. And its not (just) the sex although I’ve got to say that the amount of skin portrayed in this issue outnumbers the total depicted in the last 50 issues of everything else I’ve recently read. Its not a bad thing to come up with an excuse to have Emma in a skimpy bikini and have this be her formal wear for the duration of the issue. There are at least three separate instances where the two are waking up and clothed only in covers and even then only partially. That too wouldn’t have happened in your father’s (i.e. Kirby and Claremont’s) X-men. Looks like the shirt chasing has been replaced by rampant sex. Oh Cyke, you’re all grown up.

As you might imagine, Choi + Oback + softcore X-porn = some unbelievably good art. I’d have to say that Cyke might be the one coming off the best, I sweat the guy has at least 4 more abs than a normal person and has apparently lost or burned all of his shirts. Maybe i’m just used to seeing Emma slutting it up all over the place, and Scott sticks out but maybe not as he clearly puts Ka-Zar’s physique to shame. And of course there is the ‘normal’ Emma and then there is the Choi-nearly-naked Emma and I… I just lost track of what I was going to say.

Other Choi-creations were tip of the hat quality. His Nightcrawler in image inducer mode is the perfect mix of Eurotrash dandy with just a hint of gay (its the moustasche–its gotta be the Jeff Kent moustache). Colossus looks more like an Abercrombie and Fitch model (who sketchs, Peter sketchs?) and Logan is his typical dirt dog self–on that last score I’ve seen better. The three (wild and CRAZY) guys are doing a little euro-trek and some comedy ensues when Kurt’s image inducer gets hacked. Meanwhile Warren has gone to San Fran to rendezvous with some others and finds something odd.

Yet this issue as previously stated is more about Cyclops getting his bearings. I stated earlier that I am beginning to understand why Scott and Emma are a couple. About that–I can see why she is with him. She clearly loves the guy, its kinda sweet actually, the Ice Princess having a soft spot for a guy who she would clearly hate in the past, a powerful if not the most powerful X-man alive. And its sort of an old-fashioned girl hanging on the guy’s arm style of attachment, which again is so enjoyably not what you’d expect from a woman who could easily destroy Cyclops from the mind out. But Cyclops’s love in return is a bit more complicated 9as you’d expect from captain broody). I can’t escape the idea that he is just passing time with her. Sure, they make-out often enough, and there’s all of the sex, but he rarely has anything really romantic to say to her. Is this the comic equivalent to a one-night stand?

At the very least what this issue has done was deepen my interest in the future of this couple, much less the X-men as a team. because the team will be back, or rather the teams (X-force, X-factor, the Young X-men, and yes some sort of high profile big gun ‘uncanny’ team). But here you get something you rarely get in team issues where 22 pages just doesn’t allow for much depth. Here you get some honest character development. And too bad if that comes at the expense of Action with a capital A. because we have most of these characters locked down by now. Its really hard to show something new, and damn if Brubaker hasn’t accomplished just that. Doesn’t hurt that Choi could make the most boring scene captivating either.

Rating: Snake-eyes

jonsing big-time for some Fables. it’s been far too long…

Whedon, you are not my master and right now…
i kind of hate you a little bit.

Finished “Messiah Complex” the other day and here are my thoughts on the cross-over and where the X-Universe is heading.

a) I’m saddened that Yost and Kyle are leaving the New X-men and that series is being canceled. That said, I’m sure the fictional inhabitants of that title all just gave a huge sigh of relief. New X-men was sort of a crappy moniker anyhow, after a while nobody is new anymore, but the series was consistently well written and will be missed. I know that a new series will debut called Young X-men, but I’m not sold on it just yet. The kids have been getting more and more attention, playing significant roles in recent events, and will be crucial in revitalizing the X-Universe moving forward.

b) I know Professor X is said to be dead, but i don’t buy it. What sounds much better is a guy of his mental caliber waking up and becoming a type of Scarlet Witch style villain, a former hero who has lost their grip on too much power. Could be fun. Didn’t really get the whole last panel where Charles disappears while everyone is around him. Was it supposed to be metaphorical?

c) Bishop as a bad guy? fine with me.

d) i think the new Cable series will be a significant upgrade on the old Cable and Deadpool line. I’m not going anywhere near it, but it should be fun. X-factor shouldn’t be too worse for wear either.

e) X-force is the series that will get the most readers, and the one I’m least excited about. More wolverine? thats just what we need. I even think some of the lesser players are over exposed, particularly X-23. I realize that Yost and Kyle are going to be on the boards but i just can’t get behind the elite force bad-ass angle. That’s what we have people like the Punisher for.

f) Mere rumormongering at this point but is the baby X-person a reincarnated Jean Grey?

g) I will continue to read Carey’s X-men if only because he moves a mile a minute and i feel like he will be writing this title for 10 more years. Uncanny is tempting because it is Brubaker after all and now he finally has the really good toys (i.e Cyke/Emma/Colossus/Wolverine etc) Plus its coming down to issue #500.

h) If Mr Sinister is really dead I’ll eat vegetables for a solid week straight.

i) love love LOVE the scale back of Rogue. Glad she no longer is all virused up and full of lost souls of billions. She was getting way outta hand. And we say goodbye to Mystique–at least for the time being.

j) I get it, this ain’t your Father’s X-men. Cyke is a tough guy. He ain’t no Professor X. Bo-ring. Emma is a bad influence on him. I’m hoping she pulls him totally over to the dark side and we get a Dark X-men line. That or he’s a skrull.

k) where the hell is Kitty? Getting nervous here…

anyhow, all told I liked MC, but from what i hear I still need to read AoA to get to a real epic story. We’ll see.

Last night Marvel’s Editor in chief was on the Colbert Report. I knew he was scheduled to be on thanks to some adverts on one of them there comic news websites. So I was excited to see the man speak, maybe he’d even discuss the Spider-man retcon, get down to brass tacks, etc. Sadly, he went nowhere near Peter Parker. Happily, he reaffirmed my opinion that he is the Marvel universe’s most gigantic asshole.

I don’t usually get locked up in appearances, but i can’t fail to open this discussion with how Joe presented himself to millions of viewers. He was wearing a dark dress shirt with a few too many buttons undone up top. But where you might expect a healthy tuft of man-hair all you got was pale pale skin. Seriously, Beyonce’s rack has more hair on it. Of course the lack of hair freaks me out far more than actual hair ever could have. So right off the bat, before he says one word, there’s Quesada embracing the appearance of being a totally douche that goes right along with…

talking as if one is a total douche. The mini-interview was an exhustive promo for upcoming marvel projects, which in itself wasn’t bad, just kinda tactless. At least he could tried to made it look like the only reason he was on the show wasn’t to move product. There was the Cap plug, which admittedly was the easiest to swallow, after all Colbert has Rogers’ shield on his trophy wall. And was righteously pissed that he was passed over for Bucky.

Yet the interview concluded with the most egregious part of all. Quesada flattered Colbert by telling him his failed ‘real world’ presidential bid was still alive and well in the Marvel Universe. He then showed the cover to the first issue of the Brand New Day story-arc, the one with red Spidey with camera in tow, crouching on a wall and more or less visually ignoring the last 20 years of storytelling, but let’s not get into that right now. There is a billboard in the background that on my issue reads “Spidey returns!” But on the Colbert report last night Quesada photoshopped in “Colbert in 08′!” But this isn’t quite the douchiest part.

Quesada then brought out a series of bumperstickers, each supposedly more impressive than the last. The first was Colbert/Iron man in 08′. Stephen then compared Stark to Romney which made me chuckle. Then the Colbert/Hulk ticket to which Stephen said, “The campaign slogan writes itself, Colbert Smash!” But wait for it, who would be the third and supposedly most impressive running mate? Who is the most important figure in the Marvel universe? Wolverine? Cap? Peter Parker? No. The final bumpersticker?

Colbert/Quesada 08′.

because plugging your companies products is one thing, but letting the American viewing public forget that you are the Dr Doom-esque despot of the fictional landscape you preside over? That would be inexcusable.

So, given the whole continuity-schmontinuity issues that have arisen after the recent Amazing Spider-Man debacle, who among us has no fears that the impending Marvel Skrull-o-caust won’t be a complete clusterfuck? Because seriously, with Spider-Man is just one guy–granted, that guy just had 20 years of his life dry-erased from the universe, and sure this does involve individuals like Harry and MJ, etc, but with Secret Invasion we’re talking most of the entire Marvel Universe. If this is not handled with care the blowback might be severe enough that people will be talking about this infamy for years. But I’m an optimist. no really. I am. (how else does one buy 30 some odd issues of Countdown for Christ’s sake?) and it’s not like i won’t be drinking in the whole spectacle come March. It just better be some quality H20.

All work and no play, man, all work and no play. But that ends… now. Actually, it ended last week sometime when I caught this horrible cold and took a few days off to recharge. So yeah, work is slowing down so i will have more free time to pour my creative efforts into the inky black void of cyberspace. Who knows, you might be one of whole twos and threes to actually read this blog!

But enough state of the union type things. Life is good. Comics are good. And they should be discussed. Topping off my list of people to talk about is Brian Clevinger. He’s a dude i was introduced to in a review of his limited series Atomic Robo. The reviewer mentioned he had a hilarious web-comic called 8-bit Theater which was loosely based around the original Nintendo game Final Fantasy. Not one of those words in the last sentence didn’t send tiny thrills up and down my spine. A web-comic featuring characters torn from one of my favorite childhood games? Sold and sold.

8-bit Theater is a bit like Final Fantasy if it was Sealab 2021ed. Characters, settings, and side quests are ripped free of their moorings and exploited in humorous ways. The fact that many of the images are captured directly from the video game itself (thus the 8-bit part of the title) makes it all the more fun. Black Mage, an uber-violent but powerful member of the Light Warriors is merely a cowled robe, a pointy hat and a pair of disembodied eyes floating in between. Yet is absolutely stunning the range of emotions a man whose face you never see can have. Thus i have been reading two or three segments of this epic web-comic which is somewhere in its thousandth episode. Currently I’m in the mid 300s so there is an ocean of fun left in store.

Clevinger’s print debut is the aforementioned Atomic Robo. I have scooped up the first three issues of the 6 issue mini and enjoyed every pun. Robo reminds me of the occultish action of Hellboy and nonchalant humor of Nextwave minus the latter’s intense fanboy display of comic lore. It is the story of a wise-cracking Robot used to confront all of the unconfrontable oddnesses that afflict the globe from giant ants to mobile ancient monuments full of robot mummies. The jokes are laugh out loud funny (again, haven’t had that happen since Nextwave) and there is no intelligence quotient cost of admission. The jokes aren’t knowledge based but it is their delivery which impresses. Pauses, absurdities and childish exuberance also help.

So later this week i will definitely be paying a visit to the LCS for the culmination of “Messiah Complex,” the middlingation of “Brand New Day” and the almost doesn’t suckination of Countdown to Final Crisis. see ya then.

When I dropped by the old Cerb this morning and lamented how long it was since i last posted the feeling was of genuine sadness. Then I snooped around and saw what exactly I’d last posted on. Mighty Avengers #5. Mighty. Avengers. 5. And then my feelings turned to confusion, despair, rage with just a touch of madness because what is it fucking January and I just yesterday read the SIXTH issue of this ‘keynote’ Marvel series. Granted, the 6th issue did come out in December, late December, late enough to be left alone in my pull box until after the Christmas Holidays but still. The pace of this series has killed it for me. Cho must actually have one of those ridiculously buxom women he draws hidden away in his apartment to serve as a model for his work and pleasure him any time he wants because nothing else explains the supreme slowness of his work. And to make matters worse, Mighty ends with a not really too hangy cliff-hanger New Avengers dealt with AT LEAST as far back as October. Great Scott get the new artist on the boards mr BENDIS!

It’s been a while since any of the heads have contributed our comic book know-how to old Al’s information superhighway. Things did get a bit busy there for a while, but still, we ought not have let you, our adoring public, go so long without those opinions you crave. I mean, how many days have we ruined by depriving some down on their luck web surfer the opportunity for a little levity and profanity by way of ol’ RHD’s (semi-)drunken ramblings? Well, times be a changing again and we’re bring it back…old school.

For my part, I’ve got a whole jumble of thoughts rollicking around in this wizened noggin, causing me to almost seize up when confronted with the prospect of writing anything down. Imagine the opposite of an aphasia and that might be about what it’s been like. Consequently, I’ve opted to start a new column in which I can pretty much let loose and write in a less orderly manner than I typically prefer, just so as to get it all out there in something approaching a coherent form. Over the next few weeks I’ll work most everything out as I give my thoughts on the last few months of comic-ing that has been so woefully under-covered by everyone’s favorite three-headed dog. It’s gonna be a wild ride, so hold on as you plunge into the depths of cenTrale’s mind. (On a related note: I have yet to come up with a title for this new column. I was thinking maybe “cenTrifugal Force” or “cenTrale’s Cranial EsCapades” or something. Suggestions are more than welcome.)

Let’s begin in a quasi-alphabetical manner with an obsession near and dear to my thrice-shared heart: Aquaman. By now you should all know that the revamped Aquaman: Sword of Atlantis has been canceled. Or maybe you don’t know that and this is the first time you’ve heard about Aquaman or his comic since, well, I last wrote about it back in June. Given how things have gone since – they got worse – you’ve probably spared yourself quite a bit of pain. Seriously.

I remain flummoxed, though, at how little folks seem to care about this guy, despite his years of existence and the relatively light use that has been made of him. You’ve got a character that for all intents and purposes does not share a world with the rest of the DC characters: he’s under the sea (cue a singing crab) and they’re all mucking about on the surface, wandering into one another’s cities and generally pissing each other off with mind-wipes, crises of conscience, and universe threatening events. So, yeah, the stakes may seem to be higher for the wider set of DC heroes, yet there exists a shared continuity that is almost always going to be frustrating and imprecise. Aquaman, meanwhile, by virtue of where he spends the majority of his time and the relatively light use of the character is effectively a carte blanche. Do with him as you will and the odds are good that you won’t be treading on too many toes. Seriously, the Green Arrow gets more attention than Aquaman, and that was even while Ollie was dead.

But, you know what? My Aquaman history isn’t perfect. I know the detailed facts, but have yet to read all of the comics and therefore can’t say for sure what the qualified information is: the kind of interactions that took place, the precise relationship between Aquaman and the other heroes, how well he’s been written in the past and how consistent that writing has been. I just don’t know. What I do know, however, is the recent history, Sword of Atlantis. And I have to say, as a fan of comics and someone who has always had a soft spot in his heart for Aquaman (and Namor…I don’t know why I like these characters but clearly I’ve got some kind of watery fixation…let’s not delve too deeply into this one), the treatment of the revamped Aquaman has been atrocious.

The decision to revamp the series with a new name and protagonist and the decision to end it due to poor sales both came out of the same appropriate thought process: giving the series a shot. It’s been clear for some time that folks don’t really give a crap about this character and the fact that he appears in pop culture as a joke doesn’t really help his case any. So, take the concept, tweak it a bit, and allow the book to (forgive me for saying this) sink or swim on its own. Again, there isn’t much I disagree with here. Personally, I’d have had no problem had they simply kept things the same with the old Aquaman working to restore the peace and prosperity of the undersea kingdoms in the wake of Atlantis’ destruction, but I was also fine with following this new kid as he worked to do the same, but with pretty much no idea of how things were before and what to expect around the next reef or at the end of a current. On top of all that Busiek and Guice were absolutely nailing it, providing a strong narrative and anchoring the characters in Aqua-history while leaving things free and clear to develop in new directions. What they started could, had the numbers held up, have led to easily 60 issues of story before they really needed to adjust things again, maybe reestablish Atlantis or shake up the status quo in some new manner. But the numbers didn’t hold up and it became necessary to kill the book. Again, this all follows from the initial premise. The problem is that the lagging numbers had, as far as I’m concerned, little to do with the core concepts behind the book and everything in the world to do with the change in creative team. Maybe the book would have failed anyway, but it sure as hell would not have pissed me off quite so much by the end had Tad Williams and Shawn McManus not graced its pages.

I’ll start with McManus because I at least respect him and, in truth, what happened was really nowhere near as much his fault as it was Williams’. It was quite startling to flip through Absolute Sandman Vol. 2 and discover that the artist for the “A Game of You” arc was McManus. Hell, he even drew “Three Septembers and a January” one of my favorite issues in the entire run. The art was perfect throughout and perfectly fit the stories being told. So I say I was startled because I hate (def.: pure, blind, seething rage aroused by the site of the artist’s work in a specific context) his work on Aquaman. Everyone just looks deformed. I mentioned in a previous review the elongated jaws and how annoying they are and, well, they remained annoying. Towards the end I still hated the art but could tolerate it enough that I stopped trying to gouge out my eyes upon opening the book. Maybe I got used to it or maybe Tad Williams’ scripts broke me. I dunno. Some blame obviously needs to be placed on the colorist as there is no difference between the underwater scenarios and those on dry land, but hey, I’ve only got so much vitriol to expend. So, yeah, the art sucked and that certainly hurt the book. On the other hand, nothing could have saved it from Tad Williams, so no harm no foul Shawn.

Tad, on the other hand, much like Lucy has some ’splainin’ to do. I can only assume he
was brought in because of his fantasy/sci-fi credentials. Surely he’d have a good idea of how to keep the sword-and-sorcery vibe going, right? Er, no, not really. Within an issue or two all that was done and over with. In fact, we spent the last couple issues dealing with a conspiracy to destroy much of the world via some pseudo-scientific attack on fault lines that would result in a displaced Atlantean taking control of the population that survived on in the water (a mutagen was going to be introduced to change people and give them a chance at surviving underwater…or something) while none other than Vandal Savage took over the dry land. That’s right: Vandal Savage. Just how many plots does this guy have going at once? Could we use some other crazed villain that looks like a caveman instead? It’s just that I feel like the character is best when underutilized and he’s already been in JSA recently and…I hate you Tad Williams.

But there was a sorcery edge to all of it with a scary conspiracy and the return of Tempest in a much reduced and weakened form that, given the series cancellation, will NOT BE ANSWERED ANYTIME SOON!!! Yeah, that leaves a really good taste in the mouth. Let’s alter course so drastically that from one issue to another the whole damn series is all but unrecognizable and then, just for the hell of it, let’s throw in a bunch of cameos by the other members of the JLA just so we can have them in a couple of panels not knowing what to make of the dead Aquaman (Oh, I forgot to mention didn’t I? They offed the Dweller (the original Aquaman) within two issues.) and just look goofy underwater (not that they looked any different than had they been drawn on land I suppose). Not to mention the fact that the series seemed to be taking aim at removing the surface world from the equation for a while just so as to firmly establish that whole “underwater-epic” thing. Guess Tad didn’t get the memo. Back to the action though and now we have Cyborg thrown into the mix along with the Human Flying Fish (a character from back in the day) but let’s make sure he’s extra goofy so that ridiculous name and premise has no shot of being taken at all seriously, even by the other characters. Finally, we’ll use some horrendous dialogue that had to be written deliberately to sound hip though there’s no way no one could think that it even got beat up in the same neighborhood by “hip” just so all the readers walk away from each and every issue unable to even hope things could get better. Yeah, let’s do that. I almost wonder if Tad didn’t deliberately aim at that ice berg…and we’re talking Titanic, not that cruise liner down in Antarctica.

I kinda have to stop there or my head might explode and then we wouldn’t be much of a Cerberus, now would we? All that said, and I think it’s pretty clear that there was no way sales would pick up, especially when someone like me – hooked on the series with the Busiek re-launch – gave deep thought to just dropping it all together before they made the decision for me. It’s so annoying more because the series had great potential and in the space of 8 issues it was ruined. Here’s hoping there’ll be a re-re-launch that involves a tidal wave taking out a bookstore during a Tad Williams event…and no one investigating the cause.

So that’s it for round one of the cenTramblings. Yeah, I decided on a name. Your contributions are of course still welcome. I just won’t consider them. ‘Til next time, I remain yours,

cenTrale